heartshapedsky

Strange Boy

I am in the deadest part of his brain

If you could find me at all

There’d be sweat & old photographs

charcoal pencils & low lights 

I wouldn’t dare look back for fear of a mirror

Of stomping & longing for the darkest sunny days

I won’t smoke your cigarettes or hold your hand

I’ll try not to catch your eyes in mine because I can’t see you in there anymore any way

and in every way it still makes my heart break

Never have I seen your toes

Or asked the right questions to be let in

You’re like a child and an old man all at once

Grey & fragile. Sensitive & protective. Selfish & unwilling to change

But I made a promise once & I meant it.

Tiny-Big Things

I know I know we’ve all heard it a million time the small things are the big things. And I’m inspired to make a list of my small things. Warning- a lot could be food related. ;)

1. running

2. braids in my hair

3. writing something I like

4. Spinning poi

5. hooping

6. making a great random raw vegan smoothie or meal

7. figs

8. ripe bananas

9. meditating

10. a plate of steamed spinach with lemon, olive oil & garlic

11. receiving packages in the mail

12. buying a present & knowing the receiver will Love it

13. sequins

14. good conversation, shared thoughts, new ideas

15. unexpected kindness

16. colorful shoes

17. Eliot’s laugh

18. glitter

19. travel, road trips, plans, packing

20. music

What I Really Thought

I really believed I was invisible. My earliest memories of being invisible are around five years old. I didn’t think anyone saw me do anything. At home, at school, in the car in the front seat right next to the driver. I won’t tell you what I thought I could get away with. Wait, I did get away with it. That’s why I felt like no one was watching me. Ever. No one cared what I wore, what I was doing, what I was eating. It bothers me now because my own child just turned six. It’s important to me beyond what I can express here that he knows he is loved, knows he is heard, knows he is taken care of, knows he is watched, knows he is smart, funny, beautiful and capable. You are what your parents taught you to be unless you make another choice. I make it every day.

I Remember

I remember when he killed me. It was like being face down floating fast staring at the painted lines on the freeway at night. Black white black white black white. There was a constant rushing noise. I was free of my physical body but not of my thoughts. I was swollen and pregnant with thoughts. Without a gestation period, no hope for birth. Just growing growing endless thoughts in the dark. Without the pain of longing I knew I was dead.

Home & Garden

Dreamy dream home I’m dreaming of you. White walls. Warm museum feel. Deep couch. Vintage touches. Pillows. Peaceful. A place to meditate. Fabulous chairs. Mirrors in black ornate frames. Big organized walk-in closets. A desk I can stand at. A place for books. A fab flat tv and fab music/stereo system. Twinkle lights. A hammock in a garden with raised beds, just like my brothers. A completely loaded gym with hardwood floors, open space and a big mirror. An ornate chandelier or two. White dishes. A huge wooden table with comfy chairs all around. Rugs with history. Sunshine through windows. Trees outside. Beach very nearby.

Where are you?

I knew a boy…

Who won’t talk to me now. Won’t let me show off my more mature adult self. Won’t meet my loving husband and adorable son.

The first time we kissed it was at night in a park. The sprinklers came on. We danced and squealed, laughed and ran around like idiots. We took road trips together. He knew I was in love with my now husband and yet we carried on- again like fools. We ran through a graveyard at night. We sat in a perfect climbing tree over looking a little river and we were friends, so I thought, above all else.

I don’t really think about it too much but I just read a blog post about a boy and a girl and how he said words to her like ‘mistake’ and ‘never again’. And that just cheapens the experience of life doesn’t it? If this boy could hear me I’d say: My life is amazing and I hope that yours is too, old friend.

Tuesdays Words

Heat. Body. Workout. Sweat. Bananas. Chocolate. Writing. China. Sister. New. Raw. Vegan. Seattle. Running. Books. Internet. Ruffles. Wardrobes. Dresses. Crinolin. Sunshine. Pain. Family. Portland. Home. Design. Decorate. Laundry. Hope. Cars. Travel. Chef. Greens. Quotes. Memorable. Lakes. Swings. Bikinis. Sunglasses. Joy. Chandelier. Reading. Scarves. Sheets. Breathe.

The Monday 5

1. Day 2 of BodyRock.TV Summer Fitness series workouts.

2. Ate raw vegan falafel from Blossoming Lotus.

3. Delicious dark chocolate squares.

4. Wearing hot pink eye shadow. Favorite.

5. Thinking of the pain my brother in law is in from smashing his shoulder last night leaving him some broken bones.